The Good Ol Days Part I

I don't really know if anyone will ever read this, I have not wrote on this for quite a while, but I watched the finale of " The Office" and was struck by a quote from the character Andy Bernard stating," I wish there was a way to know you're in the good ol' days, before you've actually left them". I've recently have read my patriarchal blessing, it states that my family and friends will learn things important to them, if I kept a journal. Unfortunately, in disposing of my previous life, I destroyed the passages with the "good ol' days". My therapist says those are the most important to remember and hold onto through the grieving process. So this is a recap of of everything I remember of the past decade and a half.

For the first part of my life it was quite simple, I had 3-4 really good friends that stuck with me through early age and grade school, I'm still friends with today, though not really in contact with them as much as I like. Regardless, I was able to squeek by through Jr. High, especially 9th grade, where I found myself with some amazing group of friends. They called them self's "The Group" I had my at least to what I consider my first girlfriend for almost that entire year I was with Rachel. First kiss in front of the school after class, holding hands, got to "french", and to top it off, her dad almost broke my hand, scary as all anything but to him was all in good fun. High school on the other hand was a different story, All these friends except a select few, went to a different school, and though I was able to walk some distance. I was able to see them on a regular basis. My life was missing something as sitting alone practically every day was starting to get old. At a football game though, I looked up at the top bleachers and saw this girl. She had curly blond hair, fair skin, curves to high heaven, and a smile you could die for. I had to join, this was a big geek move, but I was determined to get to know this angel. I was able so squish my way onto the PGHS Drum line playing last (and the heaviest) base, as this mystery woman was the first. Kathryn was her name and she taught me how to drum, she taught me how to march, and how to hold my sticks. This was magic in the making and to top it off the band was going to go to Disneyland for the competition trip.
The Trip was fun, but the ride home was the best as we had the weekend of flirting, and on the bus ride home, we held hands. I fell asleep listening to Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, as she fell asleep on my shoulder. We went out for a while, but in my ignorance I broke it off, as developments with another friend from the Jr. High days had started to like me. She broke my heart and so I limped back in the hope that Kathryn would take me back. We a trial run for a dance it went well though very awkward. I asked her out again after a show my band was playing in Provo. Side not ( I got a shirt for the dance, it was a red shiny shirt with dragons and Chinese buildings woven in and I was wearing it at this gig) Thus the lucky shirt was born. During a band trip to San Fransisco was the happiest nights I had lived thus far. I told her I loved her at the hotel, I wanted to be with her and as this gesture came out only through the song "If I Am" by Nine Days. Which became our song for a while. It was peachy keen and my life from there was set. we were going get married, have kids, and live our lives until the day we die and then eternity awaited us to carry us away together.

Kathryn took me on a Sunday ritual, where they sing LDS hymns under a bridge at Brigham Young University. She made me the spiritual person that I was, and I loved her for it. Most people our age would be having sex and drinking, yet it took us almost a year to just kiss. We were good. On the way back from the Mothers Day tunnel singing, ( I wasn't supposed to go as I was grounded ), we came on a horrifying site. My brothers and sisters were out on the front lawn crying. "Moms been arrested", my sister told me through her tears and hyperventilating. My brother Kyle was crying but trying to keep cool for my brother and sister who were just little at the time. My mother, who was abusive towards us and my father, had had a history of past upsets and tantrums since I could remember. This one though came with thrown objects. Mainly pertaining to the family, I walked into our house saw the "IT'S OVER" written in red ink, along with 2 other equally disturbing messages for my father and us. We didn't speak to her for a month and to negate my possible future as a monster, I started a regiment of Anti-Depressants. It is here I think the quote from Master Ugwai from Kung-Fu Panda suffices to say,"  One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."

My senior year started with a strained relationship with Kathryn. On the second day though I had home-EC with a new friend Megan. Walking out of class, and out of the satellites doors, a red headed vision knocked me breathless. I saw her for a moment but every rushed feeling I had towards Kathryn the love that I felt for her was passed onto this goddess. The day progressed with this new woman stuck in my head. I found my last class in photography, reunited with my new friend Megan from the home class, and an older friend from band, Nate. Right before class started that red hair came through the door, her blue eyes piercing, punk rock princess written into her being. I cursed under my breath that I was with someone, that I thought at the time was growing away. As a side not Kathryn and I through the rest of the year was an on again off again whirlwind, that ended with me breaking off for no real reason other than freedom with friends, and then cruelly back together a week later, for graduation. I had contacted Kathryn about this time period, and she was feeling that I didn't trust her, that I was distant and angry all the time. I didn't trust her, I was extremely jealous about her flirting with anyone else, or if I thought she was. I think that's only because I was doing exactly what I didn't want her to do to me. I was secretly in love with Carrisa. I even went to as far as getting Carrisa into our band Blue Green Tree Bush as our bassist so I could be around her even more than I was already.

For example, Prom was interesting to say that Carrisa was in our friends group with my one of my best friends Nate. Kathryn was self conscious about her home made dress that it put me down. We picked up Carrisa on the other hand, she had bought her dress, found out later she picked it out for me. We had a Titanic themed dinner multiple course deliciousness. Kathryn and I won Duke an Duchess for prom, out of no where. I was looking at Carrisa the whole time. I had to take Kathryn home before her curfew. We all hung out after that the rest of the night. I didn't mind she wasn't there ( note that it was an absolute douche bag thing to think, I know)

The rest of the senior year, came out to me, Carrisa, Nate, and Megan spending all night almost everyday watching movies (3 a night), sleep in all day go to school. Visit Megan at Sonic where she worked, having goth night, and freak out the good people of Walmart at 2 in the morning. I went to graduation with Carrisa and megan. Got back together with Kathryn at the movie night. It was late and I really didn't know what I was doing ish.

Regardless, The next day, slept in somewhat, our little band of misfits decided to go camping as a last hora before we parted ways. We told each others parents that the guys were going on a camping trip (guys only). The girls did the same (girls only). We met in Springville, combined all of our stuff into my dads truck and we headed to topaz mountain in the west desert. We listened to our Garbage, and Smashing Pumpkins, and whatever else we had. Got to the camp site. Nate got to the top of the mountain and off the edge of it to a birds nest. That night we sat around the fire talking and singing, went to the back of the truck and played cards. I can't remember if the girls had the tent or if we did, but it was filled with bugs we didn't close the door and it was infested. So we all slept in the back of the truck. Guys at the base of the truck and girls kind of t shaping the top of the truck. The one thing I remember is waking up early, the girls slid down the bed of the truck so I had Megan's Leg around my neck but Carrisa's leg was next to my toe. I touched her leg with my toe slightly, it was kinda creepy but to be able to just touch her was heaven. We all woke up a little after that, it was a gloomy day, but we managed. Me and Nate made pancakes with sticks for the girls. The trip ended with a severe dust and rain storm. Good pictures of all of us especially one with Carrisa's hair being sucked out the window of the truck. She looked like she was being shocked. Two weeks later for Rexburg Idaho. Carrisa was supposed to go to California to be with her mom later that summer. I was still with Kathryn, who was going South to Dixie State.

Kathryn mailed me quite a bit till I broke up with her. It was over the phone for two seconds. I regret it, it was cowardly and quick, pathetic.

So if at any time if ever, Kathryn Jex reads this. I'm sorry for wasting your high school years. I'm sorry for the way things ended over and over and over again. I'm sorry for the way it ended finally. It was a pathetic moment for me. You didn't deserve that. Yet through the years you were so in tune religiously that you popped up at the worst parts in my life with kind words. You made me feel, in my lonely times, that one person actually cared about my well being. I hope that you know how much I love you for that. Though that love has changed from high school, it's never gone away. Thank you for being my friend above all. I just hope you can forgive me, I would hope to still be your friend. I hope to mend. ( my wife also wants to meet you to thank you for being there for me at these low points) Again thank you Kath. I hope you're doing good

to be continued in " Stand Inside Your Love "

I Took That Road and I F%$#ed it all Away

There is a defined reason I've been going to therapy, that I have been forcing to be something than that demon inside, and why I have to look at what I have and not what I lost. Yet, twice now has that training, either self or professional, has been set back to to the beginning of the end. For in my amazing religion we get divorced twice. Once for law and another for eternity (only for the women of course, because we men can have multiple wife's in the afterlife).
The feeling of that weighted goldenrod envelope on October 28th 2008 was pushed back into the back of my mind, locked away so that I can't remember the pure pain of someone wanting to erase you from their life. A hollow feeling, a feeling that makes you want to scream for anything but no one's listening. Hopelessness.
Well it has taken me four years to at least get to a point where I can say, well I have a good wife, a cute little kid, and schooling past me. Yet twice on really good days to boot, I get an email from my ex wife's bishop, I know it's because she's getting married again for time and all eternity ( for what that's worth anymore). I did reluctantly do the same thing when I got re married. It's for financial information, debt stuff, but should have already been resolved when I payed her the rest of our debt back in 2010. So why, I ask myself, does this TRUE church have the right to open up a wound so deep that it makes me ignore everything but what I lost.
 They can sit me down and say that it's just the devil trying to get at ya, or it's God wanting to give me another test. Well I'm tired. I believe in God, I believe that through me repenting for what I did to the love of my whole life, I get a second semi chance at a normal family. I don't believe that God wants suffering that this church led by men not thinking of the work people have probably put into forgetting their worst days, and trying to forget that one person who you fell in love with in just seeing them in a school hall, pushing to dust in the back of your mind. They dig it up, no remorse. Thank you LDS Church for giving me this feeling again I missed it.
 So to sum up, I got re married (blessing), I had a kid (blessing), Ex-Wife ( I'm sorry, I've never stopped missing you), and Finally God ( is good so good), this church and it's ways (leave me alone)

Leave you today with one of my "Today theme song"  Mumford and Sons- Broken Crown

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safely tucked away
Well You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie

I will not speak of your sins
There was a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot

But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

My closure

It's almost been 3 years since Carrisa had left, and I'm just now able to figure out what was going through her mind at least a little during that awful 6 years of torment I put her through. a few nights ago I went blog hopping as I usually do, keep up with my fellow artists and what genius images they are brewing. I went to my best friend Nate's blog, and I clicked on one blog that I hadn't looked at before, it was a literary blog filled with poetry and short story material, a story that this person was working on, it looked very familiar, and was written very twilight style. the characters I'd known, freaking out i found the authors bio. It was Carrisa's page one of three in fact. her scholastic and personal journal I was reading, a personal poetry blog, and a "what am I reading now and what do you think about it" blog. One of these inserts were familiar words of abuse and hatred. with the direct disclaimer "this is not about my ex". This got my brain going. She writes about all her abuses, there has to be one about me. Her truths become very self evident in her writings so I gave it a shot. I found what I was looking for in a passage non titled as she had yet to title it the photograph, or the monster in the saint or something like that, this was dated about a year after the double d day.
I read, each word opened up old wounds. Opened new ones. She described how she took a photograph that was hanging on our refrigerator, one I was actually look for not long after I had moved. This photo, my first time seeing my quasi-niece Aria, I was first on the scene my friend Dave called but with Carrisa gone I went alone. I got to hold her as Dave took the picture, I looked happy, I was happy, she was a beautiful baby. Those parents were so proud. They were those kinda people that were going to make a pair of fantastic parents. Having gone through our first miscarriage not long before this happened I couldn't wait for our chance. Hence the happy. Fast forward a year and a half. She took it with a "romantic image" of what she thought I was, and yet I had turned into this monster. would yell at her for going over to her brothers apartment once. Yelled at her for not talking to me, yelled at her for no reason. She was right. in the comments her sister in law Char stated everything that she thought about that time, how she didn't get to know Carrisa, she didn't know me other than the I was "superficial". Carrisa replied to her, she agreed that I was superficial around her family that she thought it was because I was nervous. It wasn't, Brett, her brother, was just boring as hell, Her mom was constantly blaming me, high and mighty so I didn't want to hang around her and her husband for very long. Her dad 4 times married was still telling me the fantastic stories about his ex wife, Carrisa's mom, and how much of a frost queen she'd become and how their sexual exploits turned into nothing, she was a Vampire!!! he would constantly tell me, all the real nitty gritty details that a son in law should know. didn't want to go there, his wife Meri? I think that's how you spell it, was nice as all anything, and her daughter was just amazingly fun but again didn't know them very well.Char was really the only one I was normal to yet still she thought I was fake, how fucked up is that? Carrisa admitted that she was withdrawn. She had always been that way, even around my family And my family had no problem telling me that after she had left. Carrisa ended that section of their conversation, " I look back and am able to see how twisted our whole relationship was. "
This was the middle of the puzzle that I was missing, I had the edges, now the big chunk in the middle, you know the real good part with all the flowers or a dog or that lighthouse. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the rest as a whole. Questions unanswered, how she has this totally skewed perception of who I am and who I was, and if her vision of me on that photograph was even real. How does someone who you've spent so many years with still not know that? Does she know that I tried everything in my power to try and make this work, of course in my own non medicated bi-polar way. Does she know what kind of wave of sanity came to me as I spent a month in pure grief of what I had done in a state of insanity, as a sane man. Standing outside her fathers house just to talk to her for a second as an apology brewed in my desperate head to gain some grain of compassion that was not deserved. Why if she kept this memento, her friend told me she still loved me, yet signing those papers, letting her dad manipulate the system for such a easy divorce. Everything that I was told pointed to a possible reconciliation, not one that would grow fast but a timed therapy and medication regulation, and couples counseling would inevitably fix. An eternal marriage was what I wanted to save, blocked at every turn, I tried to hang myself on July 27th, after an email that was sent by her account, the letter composed by her dad or her, I'll never know. it said that she didn't want to even try for one therapy session. I gave up.
It pains me, it hurts so bad that she can never know who I am, who I truly am, after so much work. I still question my wife now about how I make her feel and if I'm doing ok, is she happy. I should have given Carrisa these things but her isolation and my dominating abuse stopped that from happening. I'm sorry. In her poem she proposed burning that picture. I hope she doesn't, I hope somewhere inside she will still hold on to that one moment, where I truly shined as a normal human being, instead of the monster she expressed I am now.

What ever, this is all that I will ever get out of this experience, my only way that I can find some peace of mind that she's at least doing better, she's moving on. ya.....moving on..... I guess.

The start of a bi-polar mad man

Start over blog, found that I am have been wanting and waiting for some miracle that my ex-wife would come and take me back. Depressed I have been alienating my current wife. Yes, I am an ass and have been for the majority of my life. Here's the beginning, of a hopeful change of my attitude towards my religious conflicts, my guilt with my current wife, and finally getting over my wrongfully but inevitable divorce with my ex wife.