There is a defined reason I've been going to therapy, that I have been forcing to be something than that demon inside, and why I have to look at what I have and not what I lost. Yet, twice now has that training, either self or professional, has been set back to to the beginning of the end. For in my amazing religion we get divorced twice. Once for law and another for eternity (only for the women of course, because we men can have multiple wife's in the afterlife).
The feeling of that weighted goldenrod envelope on October 28th 2008 was pushed back into the back of my mind, locked away so that I can't remember the pure pain of someone wanting to erase you from their life. A hollow feeling, a feeling that makes you want to scream for anything but no one's listening. Hopelessness.
Well it has taken me four years to at least get to a point where I can say, well I have a good wife, a cute little kid, and schooling past me. Yet twice on really good days to boot, I get an email from my ex wife's bishop, I know it's because she's getting married again for time and all eternity ( for what that's worth anymore). I did reluctantly do the same thing when I got re married. It's for financial information, debt stuff, but should have already been resolved when I payed her the rest of our debt back in 2010. So why, I ask myself, does this TRUE church have the right to open up a wound so deep that it makes me ignore everything but what I lost.
They can sit me down and say that it's just the devil trying to get at ya, or it's God wanting to give me another test. Well I'm tired. I believe in God, I believe that through me repenting for what I did to the love of my whole life, I get a second semi chance at a normal family. I don't believe that God wants suffering that this church led by men not thinking of the work people have probably put into forgetting their worst days, and trying to forget that one person who you fell in love with in just seeing them in a school hall, pushing to dust in the back of your mind. They dig it up, no remorse. Thank you LDS Church for giving me this feeling again I missed it.
So to sum up, I got re married (blessing), I had a kid (blessing), Ex-Wife ( I'm sorry, I've never stopped missing you), and Finally God ( is good so good), this church and it's ways (leave me alone)
Leave you today with one of my "Today theme song" Mumford and Sons- Broken Crown
Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safely tucked away
Well You can't tempt me if I don't see the day
The pull on my flesh was just too strong
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie
I will not speak of your sins
There was a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot
But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness
So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace
So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace
So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate
